Managing Anger

Research shows that those prone to anger are less open-minded, less tolerant, less understanding, less socially responsible, and more likely to have chronic heart disease. So, besides relinquishing the burden of resentment and blame, there are excellent reasons for managing anger.

The easiest move is avoiding situations where you know anger may arise. Look for occasions evoking guilt, hatred, and I-don't-deserve-it attitudes. Guilt or excessively demanding standards can add to the stresses that spawn anger.

Is your anger a form of displaced aggression? Awareness of the displacement and its payoffs may help reduce your anger.

Conscious payoffs include using anger to get what you want by threatening, yelling and being nasty. Unconscious payoffs can be less obvious, e.g. getting mad to justify breaking up, or building resentment of another race to justify discrimination. Social peers are powerful determinants of our feelings. If our friends and relations are hateful, we will be the same, unless we can escape.

However, since we can't avoid all adverse situations, the acronym R-E-T-H-I-N-K is useful:

R-recognise your emotion; is it anger, threat, or deflated self-esteem...?

E-empathise with the other person.

T-think about your thinking; rationally, will this situation harm me a year from now?

H-hear the other person and check your perception by rephrasing.

I-integrate respect for every human into your feelings.

N-notice your physiological responses; calm down before losing control.

K-keep on the topic, don't rehearse old grudges.

If you have suppressed the outburst, but the anger still rages inside, you may need to vent the anger privately. Holding back the expression of an emotion may simply strengthen it.

Healthy, effective venting will probably involve: (a) exhaustion through vigorously expressing your feelings (punching a pillow, crying over the hurt) until drained; (b) believing that venting will purge you of the accumulated anger; and (c) being open to new insights as the anger plays out.

Not all anger is bad. Anger can be a signpost that something is wrong. Once we identify the problem, anger can help us over-ride our fears and say "Enough!" when the alternative is being a doormat. Anger, properly used, gives us a sense of control and improves a bad situation.

Anger increases our adrenaline levels and our blood pressure. We can use this "natural high" in constructive ways (don’t get mad, get ahead): if being bottom of the class annoys you, use your anger-energy to study more; if you are infuriated because you are out of shape, use its energy to power your fitness plan.

Our key questions are: (a) Is this worth my attention? (b) Am I justified? (c) Can I do anything (without hurting anyone)? If all three answers are "yes," perhaps you should express your feelings. If any answer is "no," controlling your emotions may be better.

Confidence includes the belief that you can control some outcomes. The more confident you are, the less angered you will be by set-backs, criticism and rejection. Building your self-confidence works all sorts of wonders.
 

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Many people set out to look for the forest and get lost in the trees. In your dreams coaching gives you the space, time and tools to break out of this self-perpetuating cycle, get a clear picture of what you want and helps you design a suitable route map to your chosen destination.

Your first success has been recognising the need for assistance.

Your second is having the good sense to call for it.

Call Paul Hayward on 01234 831631

"For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness."  ~ Anon