Self-Destructive Beliefs

 Those unbidden thoughts buzzing through our heads seem to accompany our daily lives: better safe than…; look before you…; all good things…; if anything can go wrong…

In fact, these thoughts are our script and we are merely players. So often our self-destructive beliefs (SDBs) destroy talent, growth, opportunities and success and we somehow sabotage ourselves. Descartes said, "I think, therefore I am." I say, “I am what I think” or as Henry Ford put it, "If you think you can do a thing or think you can't do a thing, you're right."

SDBs arise because we allow our doubts and fears to become the chief prosecution witnesses when we rate ourselves as either all good or all bad, rather than a blend. We accentuate our defects and undermine our capacity to change them, generating a general ‘down’ on ourselves. But such deprecation means we slip even more and a vortex of self-fulfilling failure begins to spin. When awarding ourselves a global, all-encompassing score, we almost always create SDBs.

Our SDBs disguise themselves as absolute and unconditional shoulds, oughts and musts. Then we use always–never thinking to make unsupportable and sweeping inferences such as, “I failed a few times, so I will always fail.” Such unrealistic and illogical conclusions contribute to many poor outcomes.

When our notion of self-worth is all pervading, the logic becomes circular. If we are worthy then all our traits are good – and our good characteristics mean we are worthy. Similarly, if we are worthless even our “good” traits are seen as “bad” and these SDBs “prove” our lack of value.

By focusing on our so-called worth and value instead of our abilities and happiness, we become self-centred rather than problem-centred. We do not try to solve many of the practical and important problems in life, but largely focus on the pseudo-problem of proving ourselves instead of finding ourselves.

However, as always we have a choice; we can select another version of our life. As a starting point, we can actively question and challenge all kinds and levels of SDBs, particularly our dogmatism and that always-never, triumph-disaster thinking. We can replace those musts and shoulds with desires and preferences; those have-tos and oughts with like-tos and keen-tos.

There’s no need to assess our self-worth at all. Experiment with life. Let’s decide that our “good” acts, thoughts and feelings are those that support our goals and values. The “bad” ones are those that sabotage our individual and social wants and preferences. Decide what you want or do not want, and enjoy discovering what is “good” for you and those that you live among.

If something goes wrong in your life and you feel panic, rage or depression as a result – rather than healthy negatives like sorrow, regret, frustration or displeasure – look for the SDB involved and restate it as a preference.

This is a key lesson — use of your conscious mind to change your current circumstances.

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Many people set out to look for the forest and get lost in the trees. In your dreams coaching gives you the space, time and tools to break out of this self-perpetuating cycle, get a clear picture of what you want and helps you design a suitable route map to your chosen destination.

Your first success has been recognising the need for assistance.

Your second is having the good sense to call for it.

Call Paul Hayward on 01234 831631

"I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief." ~ Gerry Spence