Coping with the Family Christmas

They say Christmas is for children, so it’s child’s play on the whole. Some of us look forward to getting together with the family at least once a year. We would all like to enjoy the shopping, the giving, the receiving, the planning, the preparing, the cooking, the cleaning and the tidying up, but we don’t. What is stopping so many of us doing that and what can we do about it. More to the point, where do we start?

Change and Stress
Whatever happens around Christmas, there is a change to your normal daily and weekly pattern. Whether you spend it with your children or you go to see your parents, the activities are a change from the norm and this lack of routine persists over an extended period.

Spending Christmas with a young family usually involves overspending, excess of food and perhaps over excited children. Being out of your normal routine or ‘comfort zone’ can add to the amount of stress a person will naturally feel. One possible reaction could be to lose your temper.

If your Christmas includes an unusual amount of time with your parents, then you may find yourself an adult cast in the role of a child – possibly in front of your own children, which will add to the discomfort. Your own freedom of choice could be curtailed and you may frequently assume the unfamiliar role of your parents. Inevitably tensions will develop.

If this sounds familiar, what is the alternative? The first action should be to arm yourself against stress and anxiety by taking control.

• Plan ahead to minimize the pressure - not just shopping, money, food and time

• Give yourself spending limits

• Don't expect too much and keep things simple. If things go wrong, it's not the end of the world

• Try not to take things too seriously and practice relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing

• Recognise that stress is likely; talk it over with those closest to you. You all need to help each other out

• Encourage honesty about what people want to do for Christmas. Maybe your relatives don't really want you to visit every year

• Try to take time out for yourself, and don't try to do everything on your own. Giving yourself time to relax is important

• If all else fails, try to smile through gritted teeth!

As daft as this last point may sound, it has a firm basis in that feelings will follow behaviour. If you behave in a certain way, particular feelings will result. If you smile, even with a forced smile, it has a chemical effect on your brain and will make you feel happier. If you doubt this, try being angry and laughing at the same time!

We are often more concerned about others enjoying themselves than we are about our own happiness. Seduced by the constant bombardment from the media, we come to believe that just this once, we can really make it happen: For our partner who deserves something more; for our aunt Maude who must get lonely; for cousin Joe who never seems to keep a girlfriend; even for the old man from down the street who looks as if he never gets a decent meal. If this is the sort of stick you are likely to be beating yourself with over the festive season, here are some questions you need to ask yourself first:

Is it real and how do you know?
Some of the things you worry about may not actually be a problem. Your partner may be perfectly happy; you may have imagined that aunt Maude is lonely when the reality is that she prefers her own company; cousin Joe is gay and the old man has a hyperactive thyroid. You need to confirm your information. One way would be to talk directly with the person concerned.

In particular, if you are worrying about something that may happen look at

a) how high the probability actually is, and
b) just how big the consequences will really be.

During times like these we sometimes set our 'disaster detector' at the ultra-sensitive level and fret about something that just isn't going to happen.

If it is real, is it my problem?
Some problems that we worry about may not actually be ours to solve. Either we cannot solve it – there is, after all, nothing you can do about getting old or dying. Or, it's someone else's problem to solve – cousin Joe’s love life and aunt Maude’s isolation need your understanding and support, but your anxiety adds nothing to developing a strategy of their own to address the issue.

If it is my problem, then ask: How can I help?
Even the first step in reducing our concerns can seem like a dangerous and enormous leap at the time. It helps to visualise yourself on the other side of the problem, looking back. How concerned are you now? So how did you get here, what resources did you need and who helped along the way? Having examined the process between here and there and identified the steps, it’s time to act, knowing that the action itself generates a changed state.

Now where’s the problem?
Once you have acted and put the process in motion, you have a lead to follow, probably with course corrections along the way, rather than a situation to agonise over. If worrying has become a habit, then something else will quickly surface, but that can also be dealt with in the same, calm rational way.

Don’t forget to reward yourself as you tick off the milestones along your chosen course, just to keep motivated.

Finally, remember that all things must pass. Life is a story that constantly changes with re-writes. It is what we learn from those changes that helps determine the quality of our lives In the future.

On the other hand, if you really cannot stand another helping of turkey and Christmas pudding, why not go abroad during Christmas?

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Many people set out to look for the forest and get lost in the trees. In your dreams coaching gives you the space, time and tools to break out of this self-perpetuating cycle, get a clear picture of what you want and helps you design a suitable route map to your chosen destination.

Your first success has been recognising the need for assistance and now having the good sense to call for it.

Call Paul Hayward on 01234 831631

"Angels fly because they take themselves lightly.” ~ Anon